Sunday, November 23, 2008

The End to the Yoga Anxiety Dream

For almost 10 years now I occasionally have had a "Yoga Teaching Anxiety Dream".  The dream involves my trying to teach a yoga class in impossible situations.  Some examples include:

- Two movie theaters simultaneously 
- In house with everyone in different rooms
- Several ballrooms in a hotel
- In an office with everyone in cubicles

And other such scenes.  All the dreams involve people coming and going as I am trying to offer the class.   The anxiety came from the worry that they aren't connecting to the yoga and worse, that they weren't connecting with me.

As I have shared in more detail in my other blogs, I have been in a effortfull cycle of trying to will love for my entire life.  Teaching yoga is a pretty good choice for someone as needy as I was.  People feel better through yoga  and they associate that high with you.  As a teacher you benefit from this false transference of affection.  So, naturally, if this is part of the motivation, even if its unconscious as it was for me for a long time, it will tighten your conditions of love.  You will have little tolerance for situations and people that do not allow for this transferance.

So last night's dream started out similarly.  I was scheduled to sub a Bikram class.  I show up and it's happening in a large stadium like bar.  Girls are setting up their mats on bleacher like slabs of concrete.  I start to introduce myself to them and they are super rude and bratty.  In the dream I knew it was not about me.  I felt relaxed about their moods and who they were showing up as.   I continue towards the front of the room and encounter a group of guys drinking beer.  I ask if they are going to be taking the class and they say yes.  And while I am surprised, I feel soft and open towards them.  The dream continued with my subbing Bikram in several different awkward locations like a parking lot and a pool area.  The scenario was the same with people coming and going and not paying attention and all was fine.

I feel delighted.  I have not yet published the writing I have been doing around this recent unraveling.  Something I have been calling "Loosening the Conditions of Love".  But the results are being revealed to me in my dreams.

1 comment:

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